Something to share

It was Mother's Day 2015 when we told my mum that I was pregnant with Sebastian. I made her a scrapbook of my whole life and the final page ended with "and she lived happily ever after" with a photo that implied I was pregnant. 

It took my Mum and Aunty a couple of seconds for it to 'click' then they both asked "are you pregnant!?" I said that I was and they cried and hugged me with smiles from ear to ear. I remember that day with fondness. As more guests arrived mum was too excited to keep it a secret, so she told everyone! I was on cloud 9, we thought that in a few months down the track our little guy would be here.

Today, my first Mother's Day as a bereaved mother was bitter sweet. I am so thankful to have been surrounded by love and to have received Mother's Day cards and messages. It felt nice to have Sebastian remembered and for what we went through with losing him recognised. I'm not going to lie, this morning I cried. I miss him so much. I wish I could hold his little hand again,  kiss his little face and see his huge smile. I would give anything for another hug with my boy. But I know that when the time comes, we will be reunited again. I have to believe that. It keeps me going. 

A recap of my Mother's Day was not the intention of this post, but anyone who knows me will know that I take any opportunity to talk about our little Sebastian... The point of this post was to nervously honour the tradition of announcing something on Mother's Day (and hoping I don't jinx anything)...

So...

Today, I'd like to share with you that I am currently 14 weeks pregnant with our rainbow baby!!!

I will just let that sink in a little bit before I beg you to pray that this baby is healthy. 

We have no idea yet whether we will get to bring this baby home, and we still won't know whether this baby will have Skeletal Dysplasia for another 5 weeks. We pray that Sebastian has sent us a healthy sibling. We don't know what we will do if history will repeat itself. I'm incredibly anxious about the whole thing and I really wish I could say I am super excited, but I feel like my mind is protecting me out of fear of another loss.

 However, I am so so so happy and grateful to be given the opportunity to carry another baby. To carry a beautiful sibling handpicked by their big brother in heaven. To be given the opportunity to hold another baby in our arms, and to have another little human to love. We didn't think there was enough room in our hearts, but I think our hearts have just grown bigger.

I have already had a 6 week and 12 week scan and so far everything appeared well. However, whilst Sebastian also appeared healthy at this gestation, our Rainbow Baby was measuring 4 days ahead, which for us was amazing due to how small Sebastian was. It gives us a tiny amount of hope. 

Another thing I absolutely love is that this baby is due 2.11.16, while Sebastian was due 2.1.16 - such similar dates when written in that format. A sign of hope? Who knows! 

I can only do my best at keeping myself healthy and taking each day as it comes and praying that Sebastian is watching over us and his little sibling. 

💙👼🏼

To all the mums celebrating Mother's Day today with their child in their hearts, not their arms, I wish you a gentle day and send you so much love and strength. For the mums with their babies here, hug them, kiss them and tell them you love them.